A Rare Gem

I was doing some traveling this week, which is part of why I am just now getting this message to you. But, that travel also is part of what brought on the seed of inspiration for this week's message, so here we go!

I was in Washington DC this week. I was asked to go and provide testimony before Congress about....HAHAHA!  NOT why I was there, but there was a lot of testifying before Congress happening while I was there! I was also involved in a number of individual conversations with some people I haven't ever met before. These two experiences - one on a more macro level (big spectacle) and some on a more micro level (person to person) reminded me of something:

Real Listening is A Rare Gem!

I'm sure you see the connection to some of the congressional hearings. Was anyone in those rooms really interested in listening? Maybe there were a few rare exceptions, but that actually helps to demonstrate my thoughts this week! However, I also saw it at the micro level. Several of the smaller settings also involved people giving answers and explaining why they were right about the topic being discussed. Again, there were some exceptions, but the people who were truly invested in actually listening was quite rare even in those smaller settings.

This has led me to think about why this is so rare.  To be honest, I want to be a person who breathes in that rare air of authentic listening, so if I can understand more about why it's so rare, maybe I can continue to grow and learn for myself how to be a better listener.  Here's what I've come up with so far, but would love to hear your learnings too!

Real listening is A Rare Gem because much of the time we are rooted in a scarcity mindset rather than approaching others with a spirit of generosity.

When we are rooted in a scarcity mindset, we think there is a limited amount of resources, ideas, kudos, blame, etc.  Who needs to get the credit? Who is to blame? There is only so much _____ to go around! It leads us to take up positions of protection and defense, and it quickly translates into division and separation. Of course this naturally leads us to stop listening to anyone who may be outside of our little echo chamber!

However, if we are willing to adopt a more generous spirit when it comes to others, it opens us up and creates room for everyone.  We recognize that our opinions/ideas/resources are not the only ones out there. We learn that by opening ourselves up to other possibilities we take the cap off the limits of what could be. We discover that by working together we may be able to create something that would be so much better than either of us or our groups could have come up with on our own. This spirit of generosity allows us to let down our defenses and stop worrying so much about protecting our position, so we can stop and truly listen to the other voices around us.

It's important for me to acknowledge how difficult this is for me (us)! There are certain settings and contexts, and even certain types of people that seem to naturally draw me back into a scarcity mindset, and I have to work very hard to see if I can recover a spirit of generosity there.  But that is hard work I believe is worthy of my heart and my attention. It is effort that lets me dig up and find that Rare Gem of Real Listening as a great starting point for ongoing growth and connection.

How about you? Are there certain circumstances, people or groups who tend to draw you back into a scarcity mindset? What kind of tools do you use to help you work to recover your spirit of generosity? Where have you witnessed the Rare Gem of Real Listening this week and how could you apply some of what you saw in that situation in your own heart and life?

Here's to finding and using the Rare Gem of Real Listening in our lives!

Be Well,

Stephen

PS - Don't forget, Decompression is one tool where you can work on finding the Rare Gem of Real Listening (among other things), so please don't hesitate to reach out!  To book an individual session, chat with your manager or supervisor about an appropriate time, then follow this link to a confidential scheduling page on my calendar and choose either the Zoom or in-person option.  You can also reach out via email or my cell phone (call or text), and I would be happy to work together to find a time and location that works well for you.

Slow Down

I recently heard two phrases (at different times) that I wrote down because I thought they might turn into weekly messages.  Little did I know that in retrospect, they are connected together, and here they are now in this one message!

"I have a racecar brain with bicycle brakes!"

I laughed out loud when the person told me this, and I also took notice of how much it resonated with me. There are times when my brain can get moving so fast that it feels like it just runs out of control to all kinds of wild places and imagined circumstances.  It feels like my brain is moving like a racecar, but the brakes are almost useless! Most of the time when this happens, I end up in a place of high stress, often accompanied by worry and anxiety. I imagine scenarios that haven't even started to unfold, and I'm trying to figure out solutions to problems that haven't even happened yet!  Enter the second phrase.

"I believe information is the antidote to assumption."

When the person shared this with me, I immediately grabbed my pen and started writing!  It reminded me of a phrase I frequently use and recommend to others - "What do I actually know about what's happening?"  For example, perhaps I see someone zoom around me on the highway and almost cut me off to get to their exit. As they fly by me, I may think, "What a jerk!"  But, if I allow actual information to come into the picture, what I really (and only) know is that person is in a hurry for some reason! I don't actually know what that reason is, and by assuming they are just doing it to be a jerk is a huge leap based on a wild assumption. Now let's connect them together.

"I have a racecar brain with bicycle brakes, but if I Slow Down and use actual information, it will help to counteract my assumptions."

When my brain starts racing, it is almost always based on assumptions I am making, so telling myself the truth about what I know is a way for me to Slow Down. In those moments I often ask, "What do I actually know to be true about what's happening?" I tap into the actual information and knowledge I have, which counteracts the assumptions and applies some brakes to my racing brain. I work to ground myself in present reality and knowledge, rather than speeding down the highway of unchecked assumptions.  

How about you? Do you tend to have a racecar brain with bicycle brakes? Does that happen because of assumptions you are making? What happens when you apply actual knowledge and concrete information? Does it help you Slow Down and stay more grounded in present reality?  Are there some particular circumstances that seem to regularly be racing for you right now, and how could you ground yourself with some actual information and concrete knowledge about that situation?

Here's to using information to Slow Down our racing brains this week!

Be Well,

Stephen

Center was created to support individuals and teams so they can live from their Purposeful Center. We specialize in professional coaching and leadership development and we'd love to support you! Click on our Services page to book a free consultation.

Finding Our Peeps

As we approach the end of January, I have one more thought to conclude what has turned into an unintentional series on Let's Start Well!  

Here are the links to the previous posts in case you missed them:   

Just Pick 1 Thing - Just 1 Step - Be Curious - A Loose Grip

Also, thanks to those of you who have reached out with comments and feedback on the posts that have been meaningful.  It's always great to hear how they resonate with you!

This Week: Find Your Peeps!

No, not the little marshmallow treats.  This is about remembering a simple message - None of us are meant to travel this journey of life alone!  We all need to Find Our Peeps to travel with us.

But what kind of Peeps do we need?  Allow me to suggest a few.

Lovable Peeps

I am blessed to have people in my life who are willing to love me as I am, with an unconditional love that chooses to love me even with all my faults and shortcomings!  But I am also blessed to have people I can extend unconditional love to as well.  So, this first category is about finding people who will love you and who you can love.  These kind of Peeps help to remind us there is something deeper and richer in our lives than what people can do for us, or what we can do for them.  Lovable Peeps break the lie that relationships are transactional, and instead ground us in authentic acceptance and humility.

Sandpaper Peeps

I was part of a training program once that regularly provided feedback and reflection on certain components of my performance.  One of the instructors would always say, "Let me give you some sandpaper feedback because it might feel a little rough at first, but in the end, it's designed to help make you smoother!"  I really appreciated that approach because it reminded me that while they were offering me critique, it was rooted in a desire to help me grow and be a better person.  Since then, I've been able to recognize I need those kind of Sandpaper Peeps in my life - the ones who aren't afraid to tell me the truth, which might feel rough at first, but I know it's always with an eye toward my growth as a better person.

Joyful Peeps

My brother has a personalized license plate that reads Luv2Laf. The amount of times he and I call each other to just share funny stories and laugh together is pretty frequent. I have other Peeps in my life that whenever I see them, they make me smile. They are a source of light and radiance, and being around them lifts my spirit.  I also try to be that kind of person for others. If I can be present with someone in a way that helps them feel lighter and more joyful, I am always honored in my own heart by that.  And given how uncertain and stressful the world feels right now, I think Joyful Peeps are a must!

How about you? Do you have these kind of Peeps in your life? Are there other kinds of Peeps you have found to be meaningful and helpful to your journey? If some of these are lacking right now, what steps could you take to look around and connect with these kind of Peeps in your life?

Here's to Starting Well by Finding Our Peeps this year!

Be Well,

Stephen

Center was created to support individuals and teams so they can live from their Purposeful Center. We specialize in professional coaching and leadership development and we'd love to support you! Click on our Services page to book a free consultation.