The Power of the Pause!

I wanted to share a brief follow up thought after last week's message about The Superpower Everyone Has - Listening!

In my work as an executive/personal coach, I recently attended a seminar where a master coach demonstrated how powerful a pause can be in coaching. We were watching a coaching simulation and at one point the client shared something that was obviously emotional. The coach just sat and waited for the client to speak again, holding silence in what felt like a pretty long pause. When the client eventually spoke again, what they said next was incredibly significant. When we asked the master coach about that moment during our time of debriefing, they said they were willing to wait as long as it took for the client to speak again!

What struck me about this is how many times in a conversation (not just in a coaching setting), I am so quick to speak and fill the space with "something." Often, I will fill the space with just about anything - a joke, a response, or even a question. While I think there are times when a response is necessary and important, I also think many times I am way too quick to come in and respond with something (anything!). I am learning that a part of the superpower of listening happens when I am willing to use the power of the pause - just waiting for a moment or two longer before I jump in.

There are a couple of good things that can happen when I use the pause. First, it gives my mind a few more moments to process what the other person is saying and think about what I actually want to say. For example, sometimes when I pause and don't jump in with my immediate reaction, I realize I may not completely understand what they are saying and instead of a response, I actually need to ask a clarifying question. Second, it gives the other person a little more room to finish their thought in case they weren't done. It's like a sign of respect that I value what they are saying and want to make sure they have room to continue if they don't feel finished.

I also think the power of the pause can be employed in more than just an immediate conversation. I recently talked with two different clients about feeling the freedom to say, "I am not sure I know what to do about that right now. Can I take a day or two to think about it or find an answer and get back to you?" In this situation, the power of the pause comes in admitting we may not have all the right answers right now or know what are the next best steps, but we are committed to learning and growing and continuing to work together toward a positive solution and outcome.

Where could you use the Power of the Pause in your life this week? Are there particular individuals or situations that it might be easier or harder to use than others? Is there some type of strategy you could use to remind yourself to use the pause (put a note/reminder in your phone, write it on your meeting agenda page, get it tattooed to the back of your hand!)?

Here's to enhancing our Superpower of Listening by adding in the Power of the Pause this week!

Be Well,

Stephen

Center was created to support individuals and teams so they can live from their Purposeful Center. We specialize in executive coaching and leadership development and we’d love to support you! Click on our Services page to book a free consultation.

The Superpower Everyone Has!

In the past two weeks I have had several opportunities to be in situations where I heard people share their stories and perspectives with me. In some of those situations, the circumstances were highly stressful and rather intense. In others, they were rather simple and not too charged with deep emotions. In almost every situation, regardless of the actual topic that was being shared, I heard a pretty common phrase, "Thanks for listening!" Each person was truly grateful that someone took the time to listen.

I'm sure we have all had times when we were talking to someone and really felt like they were listening to us. There is almost something magical about that. It helps us to feel known - like we belong and are connected to someone else, which is truly powerful! I actually believe this is one of our greatest superpowers as human beings and leaders, and one we don't use often enough - the simple act of listening to another person. I also believe we are often subject to some common mistakes when we are trying to listen, so allow me to share two of those mistakes and their antidotes that I am (still) trying to learn.

Mistake: Is it my turn yet?

So much of the time when I am listening to someone, I actually stop listening part way through and start formulating my response or rebuttal. This is especially true if I am wanting to get my point across. I may not actually consciously think if it's my turn yet, but my brain is already moving on to what I want to say, rather than staying connected to hearing them all the way through.

Antidote: Tell Me More.

This little phrase helps me create a pause in my own thinking and responding. When I use it, I stay focused on making sure I hear them all the way to the end. Then I can wait for the invitation to share in return once they are finished. That invitation may not come in every situation, but it seems to come often enough I feel heard too.

Mistake: That reminds me of a time when....

Whether we realize it or not, most of us think and make meaning in our lives through stories and experiences. So of course, it is natural when someone else is telling us a story that we think of similar stories that connect to their story. But when I respond in this way, I allow the focus to shift from them back to myself, which can sometimes cause them to feel like I wasn't really listening to them.

Antidote: Thanks for sharing that.

Sometimes our greatest response to what someone is sharing with us is simple gratitude. When we just receive what they have to share and acknowledge that we are grateful to have heard it, we are communicating that we value more than just their story, we value them! It may be their story reminds us of a story from our life, and perhaps there will be an opportunity to share it, but the most important thing we can do is acknowledge with simple gratitude how thankful we are they shared their story with us.

If you were going to turn on your superpower of listening this week, which one of these mistakes would you need to watch out for in your own life? Are there situations you can see on your calendar where you want to make sure you are listening first, and waiting to respond? Who may you run into this week that might need a simple, listening ear?

Here's to using one of our greatest superpowers this week - "I hear you!"

Be Well, Stephen

Center was created to support individuals and teams so they can live from their Purposeful Center. We specialize in executive coaching and leadership development and we’d love to support you! Click on our Services page to book a free consultation.

What's that? You're human?!

Sometimes I love technology.

Sometimes it drives me crazy.

It feels like there are a growing number of tools that we have at our disposal to help us with doing our work well. Often, those tools are helpful and I don't have to think about them, they just provide assistance. Like spell-checker for example. Most of the time when I am writing something on my computer and I misspell something, the words gets highlighted and I know to fix that typo before I continue. However, it's possible to become dependent on these tools and forget to do simple things, like proof-read what you are writing, or ask a friend to proof-read them for you.

Case in point - Unsing Heroes!

My weekly blog posts start as an email to a couple of different mailing lists, and then I post it here when I am done. Last week I mistyped the words unsung heroes THREE TIMES in my email, and I didn't catch it because the word unsing wasn't flagged by the spell-checker and I didn't do a very good job proofreading the message before I hit send to one of my weekly client groups! Of course, I discovered it AFTER I hit send, and so far, I haven't figured out where the "wait, I want to unsend that email" button is (if you know where it is, please let me know)!

Once I realized it (thankfully, before I sent it to the second group!), my inner critic started barking away. "How could you have missed that?!" "People won't know what you were trying to say!" "I can't believe you are that dumb!"

That caused me to consider sending a Reply-All and asking people to ignore the typos, but I ultimately decided to not send my reply because it would point out the mistake all that more.

Enter into the story the feedback from people who read the email (who actually care about me and know I like to laugh about silly stuff).

"Did you know you said unsing instead of unsung?" Yes, I know.

"Did you know you said unsing 3 times instead of unsung?" Yes, I know.

"Ha! What's an unsing hero?" I don't actually know!

And then the perfect response.

"Well, at least now you have your message for next week. Welcome to being human!"

The truth is, they are right (just don't tell them I said that!). We all make mistakes. It's part of the human condition. And when we can more easily accept that we aren't perfect and that mistakes will happen, we can tell the inner critic to be quiet, decide to laugh at ourselves, and then move on. Otherwise, the alternative is to beat ourselves up and get stuck in an unhealthy cycle of holding ourselves to a standard we can't ever achieve, and that only creates more misery.

So here's to celebrating the fact that we all make mistakes and we can practice giving ourselves grace for when we mess up!

We might as well just admit it - we are all unsing heroes!

Be Well,

Stephen

Center was created to support individuals and teams so they can live from their Purposeful Center. We specialize in executive coaching and leadership development and we’d love to support you! Click on our Services page to book a free consultation.