MINE vs NOT MINE

I've been thinking and talking with a number of people in the last week about a simple exercise that at various times of my life I have found very helpful. Maybe it will be helpful for you too!

Start by grabbing a blank sheet of paper and making two columns on it. Label one side "Mine" and the other side "Not Mine." You should end up with something like this:

     MINE                              NOT MINE

                                 I

                                 I

                                 I

                                 I

                                 I

                                 I

Now, think about a situation that is currently causing you some struggle or that is creating some confusion or tension. As an act of helping to bring some clarity to this situation, take some time to write on the left side the parts of this situation that you have control over - the stuff you can actually do something about. Then on the right side of the paper write down all the facets of this situation that you can't actually do anything about - the things that are out of your control.

When I take time to engage in this exercise, I often get surprised at how few items end up on the left side of the paper and how many things end up on the right side! I also quickly recognize that on the left are things like my reactions, my words and actions, my choices, etc., and then everything else ends up on the other side of the line - other people's choices, what has already happened, decisions made by other individuals or organizations. What I also quickly notice is that most of my tension or struggle comes from trying to take more control over things that are on the right side of the line, but that I actually can't really do anything about! My tension comes from trying to move things from the NOT MINE side to the MINE side!

Now that we have the lists in front of us, we are going to take one more step.  Underneath the left side, write the word "Act" and underneath the right side, write the words "Let go." 

     MINE                              NOT MINE

                                 I

                                 I

                                 I

                                 I

                                 I

                                 I

      ACT                               LET GO

                                 I

                                 I

                                 I

                                 I

                                 I

                                 I

As we consider the items that are MINE, we can write down specific actions we can take to engage with this situation - concrete steps we can actually take that are under our control. We can also write down ways we can work to Let Go of the items on the right side of the page that we don't have any control over. 

What I have discovered every time I have engaged in this exercise, and what I encouraged the people I was talking to about this tool this week, was the ways it simplifies things. So much of the tension I feel about these situations immediately diminishes by just being clear about what's Mine vs what's Not Mine!

How about you? What circumstance comes to your mind that would be helpful to map out on this paper? What kind of clarity might arise simply by taking 5 minutes to grab that sheet of paper and make these two columns? 

Here's to being clear with ourselves about what's MINE vs NOT MINE this week!

Be Well,

Stephen

Center was created to support individuals and teams so they can live from their Purposeful Center. We specialize in professional coaching and leadership development and we'd love to support you! Click on our Services page to book a free consultation.

Other-Centeredness

I am thankful for an opportunity to take some time away from some of my regular routines and experience extended time with family and friends over the previous two weeks. I am also grateful for the privilege of popping back into your inbox with a weekly message of challenge and encouragement.

I was recently reviewing some information about a program that is taking new approaches to measuring community impact.*  Through their research they have discovered the power and long-term impact of people who have the quality of "Other-Centeredness." Here's how they define it:

Other-Centeredness - An intrinsic and demonstrable interest in making the lives of others around you better, in addition to your own.

If I were to say it a different way, Other-Centeredness is about shifting our attention up and out from ourselves in a way that allows us to see, notice, and engage with those who are around us for the purpose of helping them grow and move forward in their lives, while we also keep growing too.

A simple/silly illustration. I don't exactly remember where I learned this, probably from my folks growing up, or from some of my early days of interacting with my wife's family (or from a combination of both of those), but I have this value that I try and practice that if I borrow someone's car I leave it better than when I got it.  Sometimes that means I'll just run it through the car wash or fill up the tank with gas.  Maybe I'll take some time to wipe down the dash or vacuum it out.  It's something I try and practice with anything I borrow from someone, not just their car, and I realize it's a simple illustration, but in my mind and heart this is driven by a desire to make other people's lives a little bit better.

For many of us, the entire focus of our work is to help lift the well-being of others. However, I know how easy it can be to lose sight of that overall purpose and get caught up in the routines and tasks that are piled up in front of us.  A session with a client can turn into, "Who's next?" A phone call to follow up on a conversation can easily just become another call to check off the list. In fact, I'm working on a scheduling task right now that involves various individuals and it's so easy for me to just see my spreadsheet as boxes I have to fill, forgetting there are real people attached to each of those boxes.

While it's easy for our focus to shift away from being Other-Centered, I think it is just as easy to shift back toward it.  Taking time to use a person's name when we are talking to them can be a good way to refocus our attention on them and how we might be able to lift them up a little. Perhaps we could adjust our attention from the devices in our hands and actually look up and make direct eye contact with the person in front of us. Maybe we overhear someone remark about how hard their week has been, and we leave them a small note on their desk to let them know we appreciate them. Who knows, maybe you could ask to borrow a friend's car just so you can wipe off the dash and fill up their tank, not because you need it!

What would it take for you to shift your attention and move toward taking an intrinsic and demonstrable interest in making the lives of the people around you better?

Here's to being Other-Centered this week!

Be Well,

Stephen

*Pawlicki, C., Mahar, K., Tanner, D., Wylie, H. & Phillips, S. (2024). Understanding the Phenomenon: A Qualitative Investigation of the McConnell Scholars Program, Shasta College Attainment and Innovation Lab for Equity and The McConnell Foundation.

Center was created to support individuals and teams so they can live from their Purposeful Center. We specialize in professional coaching and leadership development and we'd love to support you! Click on our Services page to book a free consultation. 

Weather

A friend of mine was telling me the story of an organization that asked its leaders to help "Set the Weather" for their teams.  What they were trying to communicate was the fact that the leader needed to help their teams approach change and difficult news with a positive attitude.  What everyone in the trenches knew it meant was, "Here's some bad news, try and put a good spin on it for us!"

I recognize there are times when leaders have to deliver difficult news, or they are trying to lead change, and they want to do it in a way that takes some of the sting out of it. There's a place for that. But I think a more effective approach is to simply Name the Weather. We all know this is going to be hard, so it's better to just name it and acknowledge that it's going to be stormy for a while.  Being honest about what's happening is a better approach than trying to make the sun shine when we all know is going to be cloudy!

I have also found there is another way to Name the Weather that can be helpful in leadership. No one shows up with either a cloud over the head all the time (like Eeyore), or a super sunny disposition every day. As humans, we are all on that spectrum from day to day, week to week, or season to season depending on what may be happening in our lives.  One of the ways I have used this is to get a "Weather Report" from my team when we are starting a meeting or kicking off the day. I'll just ask everyone to give me a brief Weather report for how they are today. It's an invitation to be authentic with each other, but it also allows me to invite people to participate to the fullest capacity they have for their Weather.

For example, someone might say they are partly cloudy, another person may indicate they are all sunshine, and someone else may indicate they're in a hurricane.  With that knowledge, what I ask of them is to give me the full capacity for what their "Weather" will allow for the day. I try not to expect the person with the Hurricane to act as if everything is all sunshine, but to do their best in the midst of their storm.  There are times when I may notice some trends (the same person is always in a hurricane, which may require some other kind of intervention), but for the most part, it's a way of recognizing we are all human and we get to join with and support each other in that reality.

In what ways do you resonate with a willingness to Name the Weather? Would it help to pay attention to your own Weather Report and look for any trends or patterns? Is there a way you might use that idea with a team or in another setting to help acknowledge the level of humanness we all share?

Here's to Naming the Weather rather than Setting the Weather this week!

Be Well,

Stephen

Center was created to support individuals and teams so they can live from their Purposeful Center. We specialize in professional coaching and leadership development and we'd love to support you! Click on our Services page to book a free consultation.