The 4 S's

I had a powerful conversation this week with a friend where we talked about the 4 S's of healthy attachment - Safe, Seen, Soothed, & Secure. This is based on work from Dr. Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson in their book, The Power of Showing Up. These four elements represent what children (and adults in relationships) need from a primary caregiver or partner to build a healthy, resilient emotional foundation for their lives.  However, I think these 4 S's have a much broader impact for the way we lead and work in the world.

Let's start with their brief descriptions of each of the 4 S's:

Safe: You protect someone from harm. You do not cause fear or danger. You keep physical and emotional boundaries clear so they feel shielded from threat.

Seen: You pay close attention to inner life. You notice their signals, expressions, and moods. You look past the outward behavior to understand the feelings underneath.

Soothed: You help calm distress. When they hurt or panic, you do not leave them alone in the storm. You offer a comforting presence that helps regulate their nervous system.

Secure: You provide steady, predictable presence over time. This consistency teaches them that they can rely on you to return and repair after a conflict or separation.

I'm certain you can see why I think these 4 S's have powerful application beyond just our primary, core relationships. 

For example, my friend and I were talking about spaces and environments where we experience these and where they may be lacking.  We discussed the differences between those kind of environments, and how we might respond in those settings.  We also had a powerful conversation about ways in which we can make choices that either contribute to that kind of positive space or diminish it.  Part of our conversation revolved around how we always wanted to be speaking and acting in ways that helped spaces feel more Safe and where we did our best to help others be Seen.  We discussed how we could help to Soothe the hurt and distress others may be experiencing by paying attention and simply working to be present with them in their storm. And we took time to name the absolute importance of being a consistent, steady, predictable presence over time, contributing to a sense of feeling Secure.

Part of our fundamental conclusion was that rather than take the easy road of feeling like a victim in environments and spaces where this may not be happening well, we wanted to make sure our participation in the world (regardless of the setting) was something that helped enhance these 4 S's for others.

As you think about your life and leadership, how could you determine to be a contributor to the 4 S's in those spaces?  Is there someone who comes to your mind that you know you could help them feel Safe or more Seen?  Do you know someone who is hurting that might benefit from your simple presence with them in the midst of their pain - not fixing it or even needing to find the right words to say? How could you show up as a steady, non-anxious presence in the spaces you know you will be in this week?

Here's to being people who intentionally work to cultivate the 4 S's through our lives this week!

Be Well,

Stephen

Center was created to support individuals and teams so they can live from their Purposeful Center. We specialize in professional coaching and leadership development and we'd love to support you! Click on our Services page to book a free consultation.

Ripple Effect

I was chatting with a friend this week and we were talking about the Ripple Effect of our choices and attitudes. Then, I had a conversation with another friend, and the same idea came up! So, of course, that's what I need to share with you this week!

Here's the basic idea - our actions and attitudes have an influence on the people and environments around us, whether we want them to or not. Through our words, our actions, our reactions, and even our mannerisms, we are making an impact on the space and the people around us. The Ripple Effect will happen, it's just a matter of whether it will be positive or negative.  A story to illustrate.

One of my friends was telling me about a situation in which an individual got very upset with them and came and started yelling and berating them in front of another group of people. My friend remained calm and composed and simply responded to the person that they didn't appreciate being talked to like that, and they felt like it was important for the other person to just walk away.  Of course, that didn't go over very well, so they yelled some more and then said a few choices words over their shoulder as they were walking away. After a few minutes, two other individuals who had witnessed the encounter individually came to my friend and told them how much they appreciated the calm way they had handled the situation in the face of how awful the other person had been to them.

In this one encounter, multiple Ripple Effects were happening. The person doing the yelling made a significant negative Ripple Effect. They may not have intended this to happen, but that entire group of people who witnessed their tantrum lowered their feelings and expectations of that individual.  Conversely, my friend made a positive Ripple Effect by the way they responded, elevating their opinion to that same group of people.

That's the thing about the Ripple Effect, usually it isn't ever the reason we do or say something, but it happens whether we want it to or not. The person yelling wasn't trying to have the other people think less of them, and my friend wasn't trying to have the other people think more highly of them, but that is exactly what happened because of the Ripple Effect.

Here's the main point - being aware of the Ripple Effect can help us be more mindful up front of how much of an impact we are making. It allows us to make choices that create the kind of Ripple Effect we want to be making in the world.

Maybe you can think of a situation this past week where you can see the Ripple Effect. How did that circumstance come about? What was your role in it? What kind of an impact did your words or actions have on the people involved? Is there something you need to go back and correct? Maybe you witnessed someone make a powerful, positive Ripple Effect and you need to go and express how much you appreciated the way they handled things?  Finally, as you head into the weekend and next week, how could you be mindful of the Ripple Effect you are having and make some intentional choices about the kind of Ripple Effect you want to make?

Here's to being mindful of the Ripple Effect we are making in the world!

Be Well,

Stephen

Center was created to support individuals and teams so they can live from their Purposeful Center. We specialize in professional coaching and leadership development and we'd love to support you! Click on our Services page to book a free consultation.

Accountability & Responsibility

I had a powerful conversation this week with some leaders around the ideas of Accountability & Responsibility. 

In our conversation we discussed that Accountability is an external factor that comes to us from the outside - some external entity (friend, supervisor, boss, board, etc.) attempts to hold us accountable to a set of expectations that have been given to us. Those expectations could be in the form of a job description or a series of tasks we've been asked to complete. Maybe they are even actions we want to accomplish personally, but we've asked someone to hold us Accountable to completing them ("Ask me next week if I've finished my exercise routine this week").

Our conversation also acknowledged that Responsibility is something that happens internally and can only be carried by the individual themselves.  In other words, someone may be trying to hold me Accountable to performing my job description but that only works if I am willing to take personal responsibility for meeting those expectations. If I am unwilling to carry the personal Responsibility from an internal perspective and I try and pass of the blame for why something isn't getting done to someone/something else, then the Accountability won't really work. 

Using our exercise routine illustration as an example, if my friend asks me next week if I got my routine done this week and all of my answers involve some reason why I couldn't that blames something else (I couldn't get to the gym because I had a flat tire, or it was just too hot to get that sweaty), then I'm not taking personal Responsibility for my own choices and their Accountability isn't actually effective.

As you think about these two issues of Accountability & Responsibility and the way they interact with each other, what kind of circumstances come to your mind? Is there a situation in which you are the one who is trying to engage Accountability with someone else and they can't seem to take Responsibility for their actions? How will you try and lean into that conversation in a way that attempts to focus on their Responsibility? Or maybe there is something you are being held Accountable to, but you are pushing the blame to other people or areas rather than taking Responsibility for your own actions? How could you shift your perspective to start taking personal Responsibility for your part in the situation?

Here's to allowing Accountability & Responsibility to work together as partners in our lives this week!

Be Well,

Stephen

Center was created to support individuals and teams so they can live from their Purposeful Center. We specialize in professional coaching and leadership development and we'd love to support you! Click on our Services page to book a free consultation.