The Adult Table

I was chatting with a leader recently and they were expressing some ways in which they have been growing in their confidence. At one point in our conversation they said, "Honestly, it feels like I am finally getting to sit at the adult table." That made me smile and I immediately wrote it down with this message in mind.

You remember the kids' table versus the adult table at big family gatherings. All the adults get to sit together and have adult conversations, while the kids are sectioned off in their own corner to goof around and feed their vegetables to the dog. And then you get to a certain age where you think you're old enough to move up to the big table, but you're still stuck at the other one. You get annoyed with the "little kids" you are forced to sit with, and you keep finding reasons to get up from the table and wander over to the adult table and hang around listening and longing to be included.  But, after a few tortuous years, you get the invitation to join the adult table for the whole meal! What a thrill (except for that time you thought it would be funny to join in and tell that joke you heard at school last week, and your parent gives you the evil, stink-eye the whole time you're telling the story)!  You finally feel like you have arrived and your presence matters. Now, I realize this scenario isn't perfect in describing all of reality, because the kids at that table still matter too. But for our purposes here, I want to focus in on that sense of confidence that comes with growing competency.

When we start working on something new or leading a new team or change process, it can feel like we're standing on shaky ground. But with time and experience, our level of competency grows. We have a better sense of what we are doing and how to approach this task or situation. It's not totally new anymore, and that sense of growing competency results in a greater sense of confidence.  We don't have to feel as anxious when we walk into meetings or spaces. We know what we are doing, and it helps us show up in the fullness of who we are.  It's like finally getting to sit at the Adult Table!  

As you reflect on this idea, where do you have that sense of growing confidence because your competency has also been increasing?  Are there spaces you are still showing up like the middle schooler hanging around the edges of the adult table just waiting to join in, and if so, how could you lean on your growing competencies to help you be more confident and show up in the fullness of who you truly are?  What would it take for you to lean in and show up believing that you finally get to sit at the Adult Table?

Here's to continuing to learn and grow in our competency so we can show up with confidence at the Adult Table!

Be Well,

Stephen

Center was created to support individuals and teams so they can live from their Purposeful Center. We specialize in professional coaching and leadership development and we'd love to support you! Click on our Services page to book a free consultation. 

A Rare Gem

I was doing some traveling this week, which is part of why I am just now getting this message to you. But, that travel also is part of what brought on the seed of inspiration for this week's message, so here we go!

I was in Washington DC this week. I was asked to go and provide testimony before Congress about....HAHAHA!  NOT why I was there, but there was a lot of testifying before Congress happening while I was there! I was also involved in a number of individual conversations with some people I haven't ever met before. These two experiences - one on a more macro level (big spectacle) and some on a more micro level (person to person) reminded me of something:

Real Listening is A Rare Gem!

I'm sure you see the connection to some of the congressional hearings. Was anyone in those rooms really interested in listening? Maybe there were a few rare exceptions, but that actually helps to demonstrate my thoughts this week! However, I also saw it at the micro level. Several of the smaller settings also involved people giving answers and explaining why they were right about the topic being discussed. Again, there were some exceptions, but the people who were truly invested in actually listening was quite rare even in those smaller settings.

This has led me to think about why this is so rare.  To be honest, I want to be a person who breathes in that rare air of authentic listening, so if I can understand more about why it's so rare, maybe I can continue to grow and learn for myself how to be a better listener.  Here's what I've come up with so far, but would love to hear your learnings too!

Real listening is A Rare Gem because much of the time we are rooted in a scarcity mindset rather than approaching others with a spirit of generosity.

When we are rooted in a scarcity mindset, we think there is a limited amount of resources, ideas, kudos, blame, etc.  Who needs to get the credit? Who is to blame? There is only so much _____ to go around! It leads us to take up positions of protection and defense, and it quickly translates into division and separation. Of course this naturally leads us to stop listening to anyone who may be outside of our little echo chamber!

However, if we are willing to adopt a more generous spirit when it comes to others, it opens us up and creates room for everyone.  We recognize that our opinions/ideas/resources are not the only ones out there. We learn that by opening ourselves up to other possibilities we take the cap off the limits of what could be. We discover that by working together we may be able to create something that would be so much better than either of us or our groups could have come up with on our own. This spirit of generosity allows us to let down our defenses and stop worrying so much about protecting our position, so we can stop and truly listen to the other voices around us.

It's important for me to acknowledge how difficult this is for me (us)! There are certain settings and contexts, and even certain types of people that seem to naturally draw me back into a scarcity mindset, and I have to work very hard to see if I can recover a spirit of generosity there.  But that is hard work I believe is worthy of my heart and my attention. It is effort that lets me dig up and find that Rare Gem of Real Listening as a great starting point for ongoing growth and connection.

How about you? Are there certain circumstances, people or groups who tend to draw you back into a scarcity mindset? What kind of tools do you use to help you work to recover your spirit of generosity? Where have you witnessed the Rare Gem of Real Listening this week and how could you apply some of what you saw in that situation in your own heart and life?

Here's to finding and using the Rare Gem of Real Listening in our lives!

Be Well,

Stephen

PS - Don't forget, Decompression is one tool where you can work on finding the Rare Gem of Real Listening (among other things), so please don't hesitate to reach out!  To book an individual session, chat with your manager or supervisor about an appropriate time, then follow this link to a confidential scheduling page on my calendar and choose either the Zoom or in-person option.  You can also reach out via email or my cell phone (call or text), and I would be happy to work together to find a time and location that works well for you.

Slow Down

I recently heard two phrases (at different times) that I wrote down because I thought they might turn into weekly messages.  Little did I know that in retrospect, they are connected together, and here they are now in this one message!

"I have a racecar brain with bicycle brakes!"

I laughed out loud when the person told me this, and I also took notice of how much it resonated with me. There are times when my brain can get moving so fast that it feels like it just runs out of control to all kinds of wild places and imagined circumstances.  It feels like my brain is moving like a racecar, but the brakes are almost useless! Most of the time when this happens, I end up in a place of high stress, often accompanied by worry and anxiety. I imagine scenarios that haven't even started to unfold, and I'm trying to figure out solutions to problems that haven't even happened yet!  Enter the second phrase.

"I believe information is the antidote to assumption."

When the person shared this with me, I immediately grabbed my pen and started writing!  It reminded me of a phrase I frequently use and recommend to others - "What do I actually know about what's happening?"  For example, perhaps I see someone zoom around me on the highway and almost cut me off to get to their exit. As they fly by me, I may think, "What a jerk!"  But, if I allow actual information to come into the picture, what I really (and only) know is that person is in a hurry for some reason! I don't actually know what that reason is, and by assuming they are just doing it to be a jerk is a huge leap based on a wild assumption. Now let's connect them together.

"I have a racecar brain with bicycle brakes, but if I Slow Down and use actual information, it will help to counteract my assumptions."

When my brain starts racing, it is almost always based on assumptions I am making, so telling myself the truth about what I know is a way for me to Slow Down. In those moments I often ask, "What do I actually know to be true about what's happening?" I tap into the actual information and knowledge I have, which counteracts the assumptions and applies some brakes to my racing brain. I work to ground myself in present reality and knowledge, rather than speeding down the highway of unchecked assumptions.  

How about you? Do you tend to have a racecar brain with bicycle brakes? Does that happen because of assumptions you are making? What happens when you apply actual knowledge and concrete information? Does it help you Slow Down and stay more grounded in present reality?  Are there some particular circumstances that seem to regularly be racing for you right now, and how could you ground yourself with some actual information and concrete knowledge about that situation?

Here's to using information to Slow Down our racing brains this week!

Be Well,

Stephen

Center was created to support individuals and teams so they can live from their Purposeful Center. We specialize in professional coaching and leadership development and we'd love to support you! Click on our Services page to book a free consultation.