The Magical Question!

I've gotten some good feedback the past two weeks on The Superpower of Listening and The Power of the Pause, so I thought I would add one more layer onto these thoughts: The Magical Question.

I'll tip my hand from the very beginning; I don't think there is a magical question, BUT asking questions is magical! Here are three areas I think asking questions can be a true game-changer.

Communication

Most of the time I believe we begin with a false premise about what communication is - getting someone else to hear me. We think the primary purpose of communication is getting our point across. I believe the purpose of authentic communication is actually coming to a place of mutual understanding, which is why questions can be such powerful tools! By using questions, we can come to a place of clarity where everyone leaves feeling like they have been heard and understood. That's magical!

Relationships

I recently had someone tell me a story about a discovery they made in forming relationships with people. Whenever they meet someone new, they simply ask them some form of a question that involves asking the other person about themselves. For example: "Tell me about your week. How was it?" "What's your favorite thing to do in _______ (fill in the name of the town they live in)?" "What's the best thing that happened to you in the last month?" The person telling me this story said they have been amazed at how asking someone a simple question about themselves opens them up and creates an opportunity for connection. Imagine what it could do with people we already know? That's magical!

Leadership

One of the things I regularly felt while working for the worst leader I've ever had, was not feeling like I was ever heard. Don't get me wrong, they acted like they were listening to me, and they even seemed to articulate understanding, but then we'd get into a meeting and something entirely different would be communicated and I would wonder, "Did they even hear me?!" As I've have reflected on that job, I can see in hindsight that the communication always felt like a one-way street, their way flowing my way, even when they were acting like they were listening to me! In contrast, one of the greatest leaders I ever worked for was a question machine! "Tell me more." "Help me better understand what you are saying." "What else would you like to share with me that you haven't said yet?" Those types of regular questions from that leader helped me feel like they not only heard me, but they actually wanted to know and understand my perspective. That's magical!

Which one of those spaces seems like the best starting place for you to use more questions this week? How could you use this magical power to better connect with someone in your life? What might the impact be if you paused long enough in your listening to someone to form a question in response, rather than just diving in with your next point?

(See how they all play together?!)

Here's to using the Magical Question this week! Be Well, Stephen Center was created to support individuals and teams so they can live from their Purposeful Center. We specialize in executive coaching and leadership development and we’d love to support you! Click on our Services page to book a free consultation.

The Power of the Pause!

I wanted to share a brief follow up thought after last week's message about The Superpower Everyone Has - Listening!

In my work as an executive/personal coach, I recently attended a seminar where a master coach demonstrated how powerful a pause can be in coaching. We were watching a coaching simulation and at one point the client shared something that was obviously emotional. The coach just sat and waited for the client to speak again, holding silence in what felt like a pretty long pause. When the client eventually spoke again, what they said next was incredibly significant. When we asked the master coach about that moment during our time of debriefing, they said they were willing to wait as long as it took for the client to speak again!

What struck me about this is how many times in a conversation (not just in a coaching setting), I am so quick to speak and fill the space with "something." Often, I will fill the space with just about anything - a joke, a response, or even a question. While I think there are times when a response is necessary and important, I also think many times I am way too quick to come in and respond with something (anything!). I am learning that a part of the superpower of listening happens when I am willing to use the power of the pause - just waiting for a moment or two longer before I jump in.

There are a couple of good things that can happen when I use the pause. First, it gives my mind a few more moments to process what the other person is saying and think about what I actually want to say. For example, sometimes when I pause and don't jump in with my immediate reaction, I realize I may not completely understand what they are saying and instead of a response, I actually need to ask a clarifying question. Second, it gives the other person a little more room to finish their thought in case they weren't done. It's like a sign of respect that I value what they are saying and want to make sure they have room to continue if they don't feel finished.

I also think the power of the pause can be employed in more than just an immediate conversation. I recently talked with two different clients about feeling the freedom to say, "I am not sure I know what to do about that right now. Can I take a day or two to think about it or find an answer and get back to you?" In this situation, the power of the pause comes in admitting we may not have all the right answers right now or know what are the next best steps, but we are committed to learning and growing and continuing to work together toward a positive solution and outcome.

Where could you use the Power of the Pause in your life this week? Are there particular individuals or situations that it might be easier or harder to use than others? Is there some type of strategy you could use to remind yourself to use the pause (put a note/reminder in your phone, write it on your meeting agenda page, get it tattooed to the back of your hand!)?

Here's to enhancing our Superpower of Listening by adding in the Power of the Pause this week!

Be Well,

Stephen

Center was created to support individuals and teams so they can live from their Purposeful Center. We specialize in executive coaching and leadership development and we’d love to support you! Click on our Services page to book a free consultation.

The Superpower Everyone Has!

In the past two weeks I have had several opportunities to be in situations where I heard people share their stories and perspectives with me. In some of those situations, the circumstances were highly stressful and rather intense. In others, they were rather simple and not too charged with deep emotions. In almost every situation, regardless of the actual topic that was being shared, I heard a pretty common phrase, "Thanks for listening!" Each person was truly grateful that someone took the time to listen.

I'm sure we have all had times when we were talking to someone and really felt like they were listening to us. There is almost something magical about that. It helps us to feel known - like we belong and are connected to someone else, which is truly powerful! I actually believe this is one of our greatest superpowers as human beings and leaders, and one we don't use often enough - the simple act of listening to another person. I also believe we are often subject to some common mistakes when we are trying to listen, so allow me to share two of those mistakes and their antidotes that I am (still) trying to learn.

Mistake: Is it my turn yet?

So much of the time when I am listening to someone, I actually stop listening part way through and start formulating my response or rebuttal. This is especially true if I am wanting to get my point across. I may not actually consciously think if it's my turn yet, but my brain is already moving on to what I want to say, rather than staying connected to hearing them all the way through.

Antidote: Tell Me More.

This little phrase helps me create a pause in my own thinking and responding. When I use it, I stay focused on making sure I hear them all the way to the end. Then I can wait for the invitation to share in return once they are finished. That invitation may not come in every situation, but it seems to come often enough I feel heard too.

Mistake: That reminds me of a time when....

Whether we realize it or not, most of us think and make meaning in our lives through stories and experiences. So of course, it is natural when someone else is telling us a story that we think of similar stories that connect to their story. But when I respond in this way, I allow the focus to shift from them back to myself, which can sometimes cause them to feel like I wasn't really listening to them.

Antidote: Thanks for sharing that.

Sometimes our greatest response to what someone is sharing with us is simple gratitude. When we just receive what they have to share and acknowledge that we are grateful to have heard it, we are communicating that we value more than just their story, we value them! It may be their story reminds us of a story from our life, and perhaps there will be an opportunity to share it, but the most important thing we can do is acknowledge with simple gratitude how thankful we are they shared their story with us.

If you were going to turn on your superpower of listening this week, which one of these mistakes would you need to watch out for in your own life? Are there situations you can see on your calendar where you want to make sure you are listening first, and waiting to respond? Who may you run into this week that might need a simple, listening ear?

Here's to using one of our greatest superpowers this week - "I hear you!"

Be Well, Stephen

Center was created to support individuals and teams so they can live from their Purposeful Center. We specialize in executive coaching and leadership development and we’d love to support you! Click on our Services page to book a free consultation.