Assume Good Intent

I was recently having a chat with a friend of mine who is a psychologist.  He mentioned how in his work with couples and families he often tries to move them to a place in their relationships where they are assuming the others are functioning with good intentions.  To shorten the phrase, he challenges his clients to "assume good intent" in others. Of course, this was about the third conversation in a week in which this idea emerged, so of course it's finding its way here to our weekly message!

I think it's helpful to think about this idea by examining each word individually.

Assume

You've probably heard the phrase, "You know what happens when you assume - you make an ass out of u and me!" While I think that is true in some situations, especially when we are assuming from a negative perspective, in this situation, to assume good intent is about holding a default posture of positivity. It's about being the kind of people who prioritize a framework for life that is generous. To assume good intent means that our starting point is gracious and open.

Good

There are some people I have a hard time believing they are good because their actions give strong indicators in another direction! With those individuals, it would be easy for me to assume they are just bad. However, that assumption has a pretty negative impact on me and my internal spirit and outlook. Instead, I choose (try!) to believe something else, like there is an inherent goodness in them they are just deeply hurt or wounded, or perhaps even sick or imbalanced. And when I can approach people with this framework of good, it makes it easier to recognize that what I need to do is use boundaries well, not just write them off as bad. It's allows me to have a more generous spirit, which is way better for my outlook and perspective.

Intent

When I focus on this final component of intent, it is helpful to think about it from the perspective of motivation and outcome.  For example, a person may have said something to me that had an outcome of actually really hurting me.  If I am going to assume good intent, then I am going to believe they weren't intending to hurt or wound me.  Perhaps they were speaking from a place of their own hurt and their motivation wasn't to wound me but was actually about protecting themselves.  When I use a more generous framework, I am able to separate the outcome from their motivation, and potentially see they aren't as connected together as I may think.

In what ways do you struggle to assume good intent? Are there specific individuals you find this especially challenging, and what would it take for you to shift your perspective to a more generous framework? How could using boundaries well actually help to change your internal spirit toward someone? Where do you need to focus on assuming good intent this week?

Here's to being people who assume good intent!

Be Well,

Stephen

Center was created to support individuals and teams so they can live from their Purposeful Center.  We specialize in professional coaching and leadership development and we’d love to support you!  Click on our Services page to book a free consultation.

"Yes, and...!"

I had the honor of facilitating a conversation last week with a board of directors for a great organization.  During part of the session, we were working on some next steps for the agency and I noticed we were in danger of missing some critical ideas because we were starting to wander into the "Yeah, buts."  This is what happens when an idea is presented and the initial response to that idea is, "Yeah, but...." It may be a good idea, but here are all of the reasons why that idea won't work.

When we get into this "yeah, but..." territory it can sometimes shut down the free flow of ideas, so I introduced the group to the central rule of true brainstorming, "Yes, and...!" Interestingly enough, this is also the golden rule of great improv comedy. The "Yes, and..." rule says that any idea or statement can only be followed by the words, "Yes, and...."  It's about joining with and carrying on the conversation, rather than setting up a roadblock or a barrier to the previous idea.

Whenever I use this tool, it's always interesting to see how quickly people pick up on it.  Some will start using it right away.  Someone presents an idea and the next person immediately says, "Yes, and...."  But the real power happens when someone catches themself starting to say a "yeah, but..." and then they correct, and change their thought to a "Yes, and..."  It's quite powerful to watch how quickly it can generate positive movement and the free flow of ideas.

I first learned this brainstorming concept from a seminar I attended with a Disney Imagineer. He was one of the people who actually helped to create the various lands in the original Disneyland, and he told stories about how using this rule in their brainstorming sessions helped them create even more magical worlds than they could have first imagined! 

Ever since then, there have been so many places in life I have found the "Yes, and..." rule so helpful. It made me a better parent, a better life partner, and a better leader.  It also made me realize how often my default is to go toward "Yeah, but...", but how much I want my default in life to be, "Yes, and...!"  I want to be a person who joins with others. I want to be a partner and help move conversations, relationships, and organizations forward, not get stuck in old ways of thinking and doing. Don't get me wrong, there is a time and a place for understanding practical limitations, but I don't want that to get in the way of being someone who is dreaming about possibilities. 

How about you? Are you more of a "Yeah, but...", or a "Yes, and..." person? Are there certain areas of your life where you recognize your default is to see the limitations, and if so, how could you adjust your perspective to apply the "Yes, and..." rule a little more in that space? What would it look like to be a person who joins with those who are around you this week? What impact might that have on them, and you?

Hey! I've got an idea for this week. "Yes, and...!"

Be Well,

Stephen

Center was created to support individuals and teams so they can live from their Purposeful Center.  We specialize in professional coaching and leadership development and we’d love to support you!  Click on our Services page to book a free consultation.

The Good of Stress & Discomfort?

Well, it happened again.  Two conversations in one day that pointed me toward a singular idea, so it seems like I'm supposed to share this thought with you!

The first conversation was with a friend who had foot surgery several months ago in which they had some plates installed in their foot. They are scheduled to go back in for surgery to remove one of the plates, because apparently the placement of the plate wasn't allowing for enough stress or tension on the bone, so it wasn't healing properly.  Their exact words to me were, "I guess bones need stress in order to heal correctly."

The second conversation was with another friend and our mutual involvement in a large professional organization. The leaders of that institution are making some very challenging decisions right now that all seem to be motivated by a fear of change and a desire to just maintain the status quo.  Their exact words to me were, "I don't think being comfortable should be our primary goal, because real growth doesn't happen from being comfortable."

I am trying to just let those two phrases sink in.

      Bones need stress in order to heal correctly.

            Real growth doesn't happen from being comfortable.

Here is where both of these are challenging me right now.  I kind of like not having stress, and I can tell you it feels really good to be comfortable! So, my tendency is to avoid stress and discomfort, and to arrange my life so I remove them if at all possible. But I also know that most of the significant growth in my life has happened through times of stress and discomfort, so my instincts to avoid them actually work against the good they bring to my ongoing journey of growth. All of that makes me feel like I am at an impasse. However, I think there may be another way to approach this.

Rather than trying to avoid stress and discomfort (or getting extreme the other way and orchestrating it!), what if I just decided that I wasn't going to be afraid of it when it came. If I am honest, I actually think both stress and discomfort are unavoidable in our lives. I also think we don't have to look for ways to create and bring chaos into our lives because life will bring enough of it to us naturally. What I actually have control over is how I respond to stress and discomfort when they do arrive in my life. Could I look at it directly, name it for what it is, and then ask myself what I may need to learn from this?  How could my approach to stress and discomfort allow me to continue on my journey of growth?

Where are the stress points in your life right now?  How much are you trying to avoid them and what would happen if instead you looked at them directly?  What are the ways in which you are feeling discomfort and how could those be an opportunity for ongoing growth and learning?

Finally, please know, these two phrases really resonate with me right now because I think this is an area where I need to pay better attention to my own growth. So, please don't hear this as a commentary from someone who has this all figured out, but a fellow practitioner on the journey with you!

Here's to not being afraid of stress or discomfort this week (or maybe not as afraid)!

Be Well,

Stephen

Center was created to support individuals and teams so they can live from their Purposeful Center.  We specialize in professional coaching and leadership development and we’d love to support you!  Click on our Services page to book a free consultation.