I've had the honor of participating in a number of powerful conversations recently that have gotten me thinking more about the importance of listening. I must also admit to myself I have been involved in some other conversations that have me thinking about NOT listening well. In my reflections it has occurred to me that often I am gauging whether or not I've listened to a person by how well I think I understood them. In other words, I think I've been a good listener because I think I listened well! I am my own judge of my perceptions, rather than considering it from the other person's point of view. Regardless of how well I think I listened, did they actually feel like I heard them?!
Allow me to share some examples. I had a phone conversation over the weekend where I was helping someone navigate a technical issue. We accomplished the task at hand, but if you were to ask them if they felt like I heard them, I'm pretty sure they would say we got the task done but they didn't really feel like I was listening very closely or like I really heard them. And they would probably be right because I was pretty distracted by other things when we were talking. In contrast, I had a chat with someone last week who said after we were done, "It is so nice to talk with you because you always listen and make me feel like I matter." In the first conversation, I technically heard what the person said, and we got the task accomplished, but they never really felt heard. In the second conversation, I don't even remember the full details of what we discussed, but the person clearly felt heard by me.
This idea of the other person feeling heard is what I have really been wondering about this week. What would it mean for me to make feeling heard a priority for my conversations and interactions with people? How can I focus my attention so that helping them feel heard is my goal? Are there things I might be able to do physically that can help me focus on them better (eliminate distractions, shift my body posture, reflect back what I think I am hearing, etc.)? If I examine my own priorities for our interaction, is it possible for my desires to become a secondary concern (not eliminated), so I can help them feel heard first?
As you reflect on some of your conversations and interactions over the past week, when was a time you felt heard and what helped contribute to that feeling? How could you learn from those observations in a way that let you incorporate some of those ideas into your engagement with others? Who is someone you know you will interact with this week that sometimes feels like a challenge? What could you do to make them feeling heard a goal for that interaction, and how do you think it might impact the outcome? Are there physical steps you could take to help yourself with this focus?
Here's to listening so we help others Feel Heard this week!
Be Well,
Stephen
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