Kindness Glasses!

"Be kind, for everyone is fighting a hard battle."

I was recently reminded of this saying from Scottish Minister, John Watson (1850-1907). Within just a few days of being reminded of this message, I learned of a friend who experienced a death in their family, another friend who is going through some significant family challenges, another one with some extreme work circumstances, and a person who needed to be evaluated by the EMT's!

I realize that I just happened to be connected to each of these individuals and they were comfortable sharing their story and lives with me, but I don't think I am that unique. We may not always hear about the battles that the people around us are fighting, but I think if we could put on a special pair of glasses that let us see the burdens others are carrying around with them, I don't think we would actually want to wear those for very long!

But then I got to thinking, what if those glasses also came with a small reminder next to the little bubble that named each individual's struggle, and that message said, Please be kind! Like, if I was wearing glasses and my friend came up to me and I could see a little sign that said, "Just lost a family member, please remember to be kind." Or if my other friend approached me and through my glasses I could see a message that said, "Please be kind, I'm really struggling at work right now." I wonder what kind of an impact those kindness glasses might have on me?

It also makes me wonder what would happen if I had a few extra pairs that I always had with me so that when I was having a rough day, or something difficult came into my life, I could pass them out to people and it would help them better understand what was happening with me. "Please be kind, I'm really worried about my kids." "My car just died and it's too expensive to repair it, so please remember to be kind."

Now that I am thinking about it, maybe the whole world needs a pair of these glasses! The truth is, everyone is fighting a hard battle, and while my broken car may not be as "big" of a deal as the death of a family member, the point isn't to rate who is suffering more. The power of the glasses would be to remind us that everyone is carrying something and we can all use some kindness in our lives.

Where would this pair of glasses be the most helpful for you? If you are a leader of a team or organization, how would having a pair of glasses like this make you a better leader? Is there a particular person in your life that when you see them coming you want to go the other way? If you could put on a pair of these glasses when you saw them coming, how might it impact your engagement with them?

While these actual glasses don't exist, here's to living this week as if they do!

Be Well,

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Shifting Perspective

I recently ran across this quote from one of my favorite leadership gurus, Adam Grant:

"A sign of emotional intelligence is moving from 'You made me feel' to 'This is how I reacted.' Our emotions aren't caused by other people's actions. They're shaped by our interpretations. Blaming others gives them power over our feelings. Taking responsibility empowers us."

Wow! There is so much packed into a few short sentences! Perhaps a few thoughts from my perspective might generate some additional thoughts for you.

Moving from "You made me feel" to "This is how I reacted"

All of my friends (and family) who are therapists are rejoicing right now because of the truth in this idea. We actually don't have control over anyone else's emotions or reactions, so it doesn't really make sense to say, "You made me feel" or "I made you feel." What really happens when I feel emotions from something another person says to me is my emotional reaction to it.

Our emotions are shaped by our interpretations

The emotional reaction I am having to what you said to me has everything to do with my understanding of what you said (or mis-understanding!), what it brings up or triggers in me, or even if I'm hangry (so hungry I am moving into angry territory). It can be shaped by what happened to me 30 minutes ago or 30 years ago. What's important is for me to work to separate out what you are saying from what my emotional reaction is to what you are saying. It's hard work (and I might need to use a powerful pause to help me), but it's important I don't project what's causing my emotional reaction onto you, which isn't really fair to you or me.

Blaming others gives them power....Taking responsibility empowers us.

When we blame others for our emotional reaction to something, what we are actually doing is giving up our own power and taking on the victim role. This is actually true for a lot more than just our emotional reactions! Part of the power of actually taking responsibility for what is ours, is not playing that blame/victim game, but placing proper ownership where it belongs, which can help us name what is really true. For example, if you've said (or done) something to me that creates a hurtful emotional reaction in me, taking responsibility for my emotional reaction also lets me honestly say and name what you said (or did) as a reality. It allows me to take responsibility for my part, and gives you the opportunity to take responsibility for your part.

After reading some of my reflections, what other ideas come to your mind from Adam's insightful words? Are there certain people or situations that tend to create stronger emotional reactions in you? How could you face those circumstances in a way that helped you take responsibility and better empower yourself? What kind of an impact could it have in your life if you shifted perspectives from, "You made me feel" to "This is how I reacted"? Here's to making this small, but powerful, Shift in Perspective this week! Be Well, Stephen Center was created to support individuals and teams so they can live from their Purposeful Center. We specialize in executive coaching and leadership development and we’d love to support you!

The Magical Question!

I've gotten some good feedback the past two weeks on The Superpower of Listening and The Power of the Pause, so I thought I would add one more layer onto these thoughts: The Magical Question.

I'll tip my hand from the very beginning; I don't think there is a magical question, BUT asking questions is magical! Here are three areas I think asking questions can be a true game-changer.

Communication

Most of the time I believe we begin with a false premise about what communication is - getting someone else to hear me. We think the primary purpose of communication is getting our point across. I believe the purpose of authentic communication is actually coming to a place of mutual understanding, which is why questions can be such powerful tools! By using questions, we can come to a place of clarity where everyone leaves feeling like they have been heard and understood. That's magical!

Relationships

I recently had someone tell me a story about a discovery they made in forming relationships with people. Whenever they meet someone new, they simply ask them some form of a question that involves asking the other person about themselves. For example: "Tell me about your week. How was it?" "What's your favorite thing to do in _______ (fill in the name of the town they live in)?" "What's the best thing that happened to you in the last month?" The person telling me this story said they have been amazed at how asking someone a simple question about themselves opens them up and creates an opportunity for connection. Imagine what it could do with people we already know? That's magical!

Leadership

One of the things I regularly felt while working for the worst leader I've ever had, was not feeling like I was ever heard. Don't get me wrong, they acted like they were listening to me, and they even seemed to articulate understanding, but then we'd get into a meeting and something entirely different would be communicated and I would wonder, "Did they even hear me?!" As I've have reflected on that job, I can see in hindsight that the communication always felt like a one-way street, their way flowing my way, even when they were acting like they were listening to me! In contrast, one of the greatest leaders I ever worked for was a question machine! "Tell me more." "Help me better understand what you are saying." "What else would you like to share with me that you haven't said yet?" Those types of regular questions from that leader helped me feel like they not only heard me, but they actually wanted to know and understand my perspective. That's magical!

Which one of those spaces seems like the best starting place for you to use more questions this week? How could you use this magical power to better connect with someone in your life? What might the impact be if you paused long enough in your listening to someone to form a question in response, rather than just diving in with your next point?

(See how they all play together?!)

Here's to using the Magical Question this week! Be Well, Stephen Center was created to support individuals and teams so they can live from their Purposeful Center. We specialize in executive coaching and leadership development and we’d love to support you! Click on our Services page to book a free consultation.