Ownership & Responsibility

Let's start this week with some true confessions.  I am a personality type that likes to avoid conflict at all costs.  Over the years I have learned that sometimes conflict is an important (and even necessary!) element in being an effective leader/partner/parent, etc.  In fact, I have developed a whole course for leaders to help them use conflict in a way that is productive, rather than always allowing it to be destructive in our teams (reach out if you're interested in more info on that training - shameless plug!). But, because my default is to avoid conflict, I can often fall into the trap of taking ownership for things that aren't mine to carry.

This is where the language of Responsibility & Ownership are very helpful to me, and why I use these terms a lot with leaders I coach. It's important to take responsibility for what is actually mine to carry. This includes my words, my behaviors, my actions, etc. The problem comes when I fall into the trap of taking ownership for what should clearly be someone else's to own, like their words, their actions, or their behaviors. In other words, it's critical that I take responsibility for what's mine to own, but it isn't actually helpful for me to take ownership of someone else's responsibility.

Part of the reason I think it's important to make these distinctions is because it's easy to slip into playing the blame game in organizations and systems.  Rather than everyone starting from the place of taking ownership and responsibility for what is ours to own (and ONLY what is ours to own), we often point fingers and look for who we can name and blame as being at fault.  However, most of the time that doesn't help us move forward or grow, it just keeps us stuck in unhealthy patterns of growing toxicity. We're always looking for the next scapegoat to place the blame on, and not actually making changes or improving as we move forward.

However, if we take some time to be clear about what we each need to own and take responsibility for, and no more than that, then we can start to look for solutions that can carry us forward. Hopefully this will also allow us to make appropriate changes and adjustments that will help all of us be better individually and collectively in the future. When we can be honest and take responsibility and ownership for ourselves and the part we are playing in this situation or system, and everyone else is doing the same thing, it naturally leads us into a solution focused approach instead of a blaming space that keeps us stuck.

What are your natural tendencies - to take too much responsibility and ownership for what isn't actually yours, or to play the blame game and figure out who is at fault? If you decided to only take on responsibility and ownership for what was yours to carry, how might that impact the team or situation you are trying to navigate? How might ending the blame game and just being clear about who owns what, help move us toward greater solutions?

Here's to taking Ownership & Responsibility for ONLY what is ours to carry this week!

Be Well,

Stephen

Center was created to support individuals and teams so they can live from their Purposeful Center.  We specialize in professional coaching and leadership development and we’d love to support you!  Click on our Services page to book a free consultation.

Assume Good Intent

I was recently having a chat with a friend of mine who is a psychologist.  He mentioned how in his work with couples and families he often tries to move them to a place in their relationships where they are assuming the others are functioning with good intentions.  To shorten the phrase, he challenges his clients to "assume good intent" in others. Of course, this was about the third conversation in a week in which this idea emerged, so of course it's finding its way here to our weekly message!

I think it's helpful to think about this idea by examining each word individually.

Assume

You've probably heard the phrase, "You know what happens when you assume - you make an ass out of u and me!" While I think that is true in some situations, especially when we are assuming from a negative perspective, in this situation, to assume good intent is about holding a default posture of positivity. It's about being the kind of people who prioritize a framework for life that is generous. To assume good intent means that our starting point is gracious and open.

Good

There are some people I have a hard time believing they are good because their actions give strong indicators in another direction! With those individuals, it would be easy for me to assume they are just bad. However, that assumption has a pretty negative impact on me and my internal spirit and outlook. Instead, I choose (try!) to believe something else, like there is an inherent goodness in them they are just deeply hurt or wounded, or perhaps even sick or imbalanced. And when I can approach people with this framework of good, it makes it easier to recognize that what I need to do is use boundaries well, not just write them off as bad. It's allows me to have a more generous spirit, which is way better for my outlook and perspective.

Intent

When I focus on this final component of intent, it is helpful to think about it from the perspective of motivation and outcome.  For example, a person may have said something to me that had an outcome of actually really hurting me.  If I am going to assume good intent, then I am going to believe they weren't intending to hurt or wound me.  Perhaps they were speaking from a place of their own hurt and their motivation wasn't to wound me but was actually about protecting themselves.  When I use a more generous framework, I am able to separate the outcome from their motivation, and potentially see they aren't as connected together as I may think.

In what ways do you struggle to assume good intent? Are there specific individuals you find this especially challenging, and what would it take for you to shift your perspective to a more generous framework? How could using boundaries well actually help to change your internal spirit toward someone? Where do you need to focus on assuming good intent this week?

Here's to being people who assume good intent!

Be Well,

Stephen

Center was created to support individuals and teams so they can live from their Purposeful Center.  We specialize in professional coaching and leadership development and we’d love to support you!  Click on our Services page to book a free consultation.

"Yes, and...!"

I had the honor of facilitating a conversation last week with a board of directors for a great organization.  During part of the session, we were working on some next steps for the agency and I noticed we were in danger of missing some critical ideas because we were starting to wander into the "Yeah, buts."  This is what happens when an idea is presented and the initial response to that idea is, "Yeah, but...." It may be a good idea, but here are all of the reasons why that idea won't work.

When we get into this "yeah, but..." territory it can sometimes shut down the free flow of ideas, so I introduced the group to the central rule of true brainstorming, "Yes, and...!" Interestingly enough, this is also the golden rule of great improv comedy. The "Yes, and..." rule says that any idea or statement can only be followed by the words, "Yes, and...."  It's about joining with and carrying on the conversation, rather than setting up a roadblock or a barrier to the previous idea.

Whenever I use this tool, it's always interesting to see how quickly people pick up on it.  Some will start using it right away.  Someone presents an idea and the next person immediately says, "Yes, and...."  But the real power happens when someone catches themself starting to say a "yeah, but..." and then they correct, and change their thought to a "Yes, and..."  It's quite powerful to watch how quickly it can generate positive movement and the free flow of ideas.

I first learned this brainstorming concept from a seminar I attended with a Disney Imagineer. He was one of the people who actually helped to create the various lands in the original Disneyland, and he told stories about how using this rule in their brainstorming sessions helped them create even more magical worlds than they could have first imagined! 

Ever since then, there have been so many places in life I have found the "Yes, and..." rule so helpful. It made me a better parent, a better life partner, and a better leader.  It also made me realize how often my default is to go toward "Yeah, but...", but how much I want my default in life to be, "Yes, and...!"  I want to be a person who joins with others. I want to be a partner and help move conversations, relationships, and organizations forward, not get stuck in old ways of thinking and doing. Don't get me wrong, there is a time and a place for understanding practical limitations, but I don't want that to get in the way of being someone who is dreaming about possibilities. 

How about you? Are you more of a "Yeah, but...", or a "Yes, and..." person? Are there certain areas of your life where you recognize your default is to see the limitations, and if so, how could you adjust your perspective to apply the "Yes, and..." rule a little more in that space? What would it look like to be a person who joins with those who are around you this week? What impact might that have on them, and you?

Hey! I've got an idea for this week. "Yes, and...!"

Be Well,

Stephen

Center was created to support individuals and teams so they can live from their Purposeful Center.  We specialize in professional coaching and leadership development and we’d love to support you!  Click on our Services page to book a free consultation.