Dancing Between Surrender & Control

I had the incredible honor of attending a play this past weekend that was followed by a conversation between the author of the play, the director of the play, the actors in the play, and the audience watching the play! It was quite remarkable. 

One of the themes that emerged in those conversations was the delicate process/dance that everyone had to engage in between holding too much control over the outcomes and surrendering to the beauty of what could be created by inviting others to be co-creators in the process.  For example, the author talked about how he had to surrender his words on a page to the director and her ability to envision sets and images and music that would accompany those scenes. They also talked about how they had to let go of some of their notions of what the characters would be like when the actual actors started bringing their own unique ideas and perspectives to the table. What was abundantly clear was that everyone felt the final outcome of the production was so much better having everyone contribute as co-creators, rather than having a singular image from just one perspective drive the final product.

I'm still thinking about that dance between control and surrender and all of the places in life it applies.  

Parenting feels like a long journey from mostly being in control to a place of mostly not being in control at all!  It's a lifetime of learning how to surrender in a way that allows the beauty and individuality of each unique child to become their own amazing person.

Working on a team feels like another place where this dance is crucial. We may have a collective job to accomplish, and I may have certain areas of responsibility that I contribute toward that objective, but if I try and force other team members to do their part the way I think it should be done, there isn't any room for the uniqueness of each individual to join into the creative process. The outcome would suffer and be limited to my vision of what I think it should be. But, if I am willing to allow others to bring their perspectives and personalities into the process, I am sure the final outcome will be even better than if everyone just did their job my way! 

Of course, I would be remiss if I didn't mention the applications I see here in the realm of leadership.  Too often I have seen leaders who feel threatened by the ideas and creativity of people they are leading, so they don't engage in this dance between control and surrender.  Rather than inviting the people they are leading to become dreamers with them about how to go after their common vision, they simply expect alignment with them and their ideas.  You may have heard this referred to as leaders who simply surround themselves with "yes" people - no one to stretch or challenge them.  No one to enter into the creative process with them.  Just individuals who will stick with the program and follow directives. While those kind of leaders are very good at getting the outcomes they want, I believe those outcomes are not as awesome and beautiful as they might be if they were willing to dance more between surrender and control.

What are the areas of your life that could benefit from more dancing between surrender and control? How could believing in a more beautiful outcome from collaboration help you trust others and invite them into the creative process with you?  What would it take for you to create some room for people around you to have more freedom to bring their own perspectives and gifts to the creative process? 

Here's to dancing between surrender and control this week!

Be Well,

Stephen

Center was created to support individuals and teams so they can live from their Purposeful Center.  We specialize in professional coaching and leadership development and we’d love to support you!  Click on our Services page to book a free consultation.

Noticing the Boths of Life

One of my Strengths from StrengthsFinder (really powerful tools which I use a lot with clients), is called Ideation.  People with this strength have an easy time seeing and finding connections between seemingly disparate phenomena.  In other words, seeing how this idea over here, connects to that idea over there.  Allow me to use my Ideation with you this week in Noticing the Boths of Life.

The Boths of Life

This is the idea that so much of life is made up of both this, and that. Three illustrations from just this past week:

• Someone who recently had a family member pass away said they were both sad and relieved at the same time.

• I had a chat with an individual who felt both a sense of peace and anxiety about a situation unfolding at their workplace.

• Earlier today I heard someone say they were finding it difficult to focus in their life right now, but they were also very grateful for what was happening in their life too.

These are the Boths of life. Things that don't seem like they might be true at the same time, and yet they are! We can't always explain or figure out why Both things may be true, but they are Both very real.

Noticing

Thoughts and emotions arise within us almost non-stop throughout our days. When we are driving around town, thoughts and emotions about the traffic, or that car/driver are almost instinctual. What is also almost automatic, is that we usually just react to those thoughts and emotions, which can often have a whole lot of judgement attached to it. However, I had a conversation with a friend recently who is working on taking a more active role in just Noticing those thoughts and emotions without connecting any judgement toward them.  For example, using my driving illustration - I see that driver that came flying around me and then immediately got back over to take the next exit right in front of me!  I can react to that and think about how awful and terrible of a driver/person that is for being so reckless, or I can Notice that their reckless driving made me frustrated. I may also Notice that I was making some assumptions about that person without actually knowing anything about their situation (got an emergency call from home, is late for their own wedding, etc?). By Noticing rather than reacting, I can allow the thoughts and feelings to arise and let them pass through, without letting them hijack my mind and emotions.

And now my Ideation at work:

Noticing the Boths of Life

Often when the Boths of Life arise within me I tend to react with a sense of self-judgement, attempting to dismiss or diminish at least one of them. I make a decision that one of the Boths is right and the other is wrong. But what might happen if I was willing to simply Notice the Boths of Life?  

• I have a family member pass away and I'm feeling both a sense of sadness and relief at their loss in my life.  Rather than dismissing one or the other of those natural emotions, what if I could just Notice Both of them and allow them to just be what they are in me? 

• I have a sense of Both peace and anxiety about that situation at work, and rather than judge myself and try and dismiss one of them, I just Notice Both of them and allow them to be real and true about my experience right now?

• It's really hard to stay focused right now on my work, but I am also very grateful for the space I am in with my work. How might I Notice Both of those realities and let them pass through me in a way that could help me learn and grow from them?

• Yes, that driver is very reckless, and I am feeling very frustrated by their actions, but I also don't know their situation. How could Noticing Both their actions and my assumptions about their actions help me be more gracious and less reactive toward them?

Hopefully my Ideation is making sense!

What about you? How could Noticing the Boths of Life help you be less reactive and self-judgmental so your mind and emotions don't get hijacked as much?

Here's to Noticing the Boths of Life this week!

Be Well,

Stephen

Center was created to support individuals and teams so they can live from their Purposeful Center.  We specialize in professional coaching and leadership development and we’d love to support you!  Click on our Services page to book a free consultation.

Agency

I listened to a couple of podcasts recently that reinforced and added some nuance to an idea I have been thinking about for some time - Agency.

Here is my working definition:

Agency: functioning in a way that allows me to take both control and responsibility of what I can, rather than living as a victim who is just reacting to life.

(I'll understand if you decide to stop reading, because this idea is really challenging me too!)

If you are still with me, you can see that my working theory presents agency in opposition to victimhood.  Before we go any further it's important to understand that I think this is more like a scale, rather than a switch.  In other words, it's not that I am either functioning with Agency or victimhood, but rather, which direction am I leaning, and how can I tip the scales more in the direction of living with Agency? This is why I use the phrase "taking both control and responsibility of what I can" in my definition.  If I am leaning more toward the side of victimhood, I don't think I have very much control or I am looking for who else is to blame for my circumstances.  But if I am leaning the scales toward Agency, then I'm looking for what role I may have played in what's unfolding, and I look for what I can do to respond to it.

Here's a simple way to think about this: A person who tends to lean more toward the victim side of the scale says, "Oh, no! What am I going to do?!"  Life is happening to them, and they primarily live from a place of just reacting to it.  But a person who is leaning more toward the Agency side of the scale says, "Oh! What am I going to do?!" They see life as just happening, and while they may not have much control over what is unfolding, they are going to take an active role in deciding how they are going to respond to it. 

Using those contrasting phrases, when the victim says, "Oh No! What am I going to do?!" they often feel stuck and left with little choice other than to just blame others and sit in their pain and frustration.  However, when a person of Agency says, "Oh! What am I going to do?!" they are able to acknowledge the frustration of their situation, but don't feel stuck because they start looking for the ways in which they can take control and responsibility for what they can, and then they start taking action.

Again, since this is more like a scale than a switch, rather than ask the question, am I victim or an Agent?, there's more opportunity for growth in asking, Which way are my scales leaning? Do I tend to typically lean more toward the victim or the Agency side in general? Are there specific situations I am experiencing right now in which I am leaning more toward the victim side, and if so, what can I start to do in order to not feel like I am just stuck and out of control? What actions could I take in response to those circumstances that would help tip the scales more toward the Agency side and help me feel like I was actively working to take control and responsibility for what I can? Who could I talk to that would help me see this situation from a different perspective, and how could that help me tip the sales toward being more of an active Agent in my life?

Finally, I want to acknowledge how tempting it is to let the scales tip toward victimhood.  It often feels really good to point the finger of blame and sit in the space of complaining! But, that usually only lasts for a little while, and when I can begin to shift into the space of Agency, the positive, long-term impacts far outweigh the temporary feelings of self-righteousness.

Here's to tipping our scales toward Agency this week!

Be Well,

Stephen

Center was created to support individuals and teams so they can live from their Purposeful Center.  We specialize in professional coaching and leadership development and we’d love to support you!  Click on our Services page to book a free consultation.