The 4 S's

I had a powerful conversation this week with a friend where we talked about the 4 S's of healthy attachment - Safe, Seen, Soothed, & Secure. This is based on work from Dr. Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson in their book, The Power of Showing Up. These four elements represent what children (and adults in relationships) need from a primary caregiver or partner to build a healthy, resilient emotional foundation for their lives.  However, I think these 4 S's have a much broader impact for the way we lead and work in the world.

Let's start with their brief descriptions of each of the 4 S's:

Safe: You protect someone from harm. You do not cause fear or danger. You keep physical and emotional boundaries clear so they feel shielded from threat.

Seen: You pay close attention to inner life. You notice their signals, expressions, and moods. You look past the outward behavior to understand the feelings underneath.

Soothed: You help calm distress. When they hurt or panic, you do not leave them alone in the storm. You offer a comforting presence that helps regulate their nervous system.

Secure: You provide steady, predictable presence over time. This consistency teaches them that they can rely on you to return and repair after a conflict or separation.

I'm certain you can see why I think these 4 S's have powerful application beyond just our primary, core relationships. 

For example, my friend and I were talking about spaces and environments where we experience these and where they may be lacking.  We discussed the differences between those kind of environments, and how we might respond in those settings.  We also had a powerful conversation about ways in which we can make choices that either contribute to that kind of positive space or diminish it.  Part of our conversation revolved around how we always wanted to be speaking and acting in ways that helped spaces feel more Safe and where we did our best to help others be Seen.  We discussed how we could help to Soothe the hurt and distress others may be experiencing by paying attention and simply working to be present with them in their storm. And we took time to name the absolute importance of being a consistent, steady, predictable presence over time, contributing to a sense of feeling Secure.

Part of our fundamental conclusion was that rather than take the easy road of feeling like a victim in environments and spaces where this may not be happening well, we wanted to make sure our participation in the world (regardless of the setting) was something that helped enhance these 4 S's for others.

As you think about your life and leadership, how could you determine to be a contributor to the 4 S's in those spaces?  Is there someone who comes to your mind that you know you could help them feel Safe or more Seen?  Do you know someone who is hurting that might benefit from your simple presence with them in the midst of their pain - not fixing it or even needing to find the right words to say? How could you show up as a steady, non-anxious presence in the spaces you know you will be in this week?

Here's to being people who intentionally work to cultivate the 4 S's through our lives this week!

Be Well,

Stephen

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