Seeing Them!

Ok. You know how this works. I have some chats with various people. Read some stuff. Hear something interesting. Then those threads come together into a central idea that I share here with you!  So of course it happened again, and it feels timely this week.

I don't know if you realize this, but we are on the eve of an election here in the US?! In case you weren't aware, there has been this interesting phenomenon in the past several election cycles here in our country (and it actually runs deeper than that in history) where the division and animosity has ramped up and escalated to what feels like epic proportions. Now, we could spend a ton of time looking for the root causes and trying to place blame, but that would be an exercise in futility (in my mind anyway). What I think is more important, is to acknowledge that what has resulted in almost every corner of this process is the "other" has become a "them."  What I mean by that is we've stopped seeing people who have names and hopes and dreams, and we've reduced them to "the other side" or some ideology, or we've lumped them together into some other generic category. For example, it seems rather tragic that we've heard the term "garbage" thrown around by people on both sides of the US political aisle in reference to people on the "other side." 

While we could spend a lot of time trying to figure out "Who started it?" that would most likely only result in a never-ending circle of, "Yeah, but they...!"  or "Yeah, but you....!"  What I am most interested in is how I can be part of ending this awful cycle.  And to be clear, I don't think the results of an election are somehow going to magically make it all go away. I think it actually starts with individual choices, in individual relationships. It has to start with me. In other words, I can't change the national conversation (or even the one in my local city or county by myself), but I CAN do something about how I See Them.  I can decide they are a person with a name and a story, rather than just someone in that group with a predetermined ideology. I can attempt to be curious and at least start by wondering what their hopes and dreams are and how we might be able to find some common ground together in our humanness.  

Please understand, I think I am probably writing this message to myself this week more than I am writing it to you. It's so easy for me to fall into this trap of dehumanizing the "other" and to just stop Seeing Them.  But I want to be someone who Sees THEM - a person with a name and a story and a history and hopes and dreams, even if those may not line up with my desires. They are still someone, and I want to be the kind of person in the world who is actually trying to See Them.

With all the tension and anxiety in the air right now, would you be willing to join me in trying to See Them? Is there someone who comes to your mind that you could wonder about with curiosity, considering what might be in their story that may be contributing to their perspective? Is there someone you are tempted to refer to with a "name" other than their actual name, and could you start by just refusing to use that derogatory term and only refer to them by their actual name?

I'm going to do my best to See Them this week. Would you join me?

Be Well,

Stephen

Center was created to support individuals and teams so they can live from their Purposeful Center.  We specialize in professional coaching and leadership development and we’d love to support you!  Click on our Services page to book a free consultation.

Perspective

I found the following quote a while back (wish I had written down where it came from!) and have been reflecting on it quite a bit recently.

"People see the results of my decisions but they don't see the choices I was faced with."

I know! It's good, right?!?

It's made me think a lot about perspective lately.  We all have our own unique perspectives and so much of the time we tend to look at others through the lens of our perspective. We think about the kinds of choices they have made through our own lens, which often lead us into a judgmental space toward them. But when we see them only from our perspective, we usually are only seeing the results of their decisions and not really considering the choices they were faced with in the process. 

And then I came across this picture. 

If we were walking down this street together and were told we each had to pick only 1 door to enter, most likely we wouldn't choose the same door. We would each be drawn to different ones based on our personal preferences and our backgrounds. I might even be surprised at which door you would pick and be tempted to think, "what a weird/strange/poor choice" but, that would be because I was only looking at those choices through my perspective, not trying to understand you or your perspective any better!

That got me thinking about an organization I work with whose mission statement starts with the words, "With Kindness...." What an incredible kindness it is toward others when we attempt to adjust our perspective, maybe even just the slightest bit, to attempt to imagine what someone else's perspective might be!  I know what it feels like when someone comes at me with judgement first, but I also know how powerful it is when they approach me with curiosity, and they attempt to better understand my perspective and the kinds of choices I may have faced that resulted in my decisions. That feels like a true gift of kindness!

What kind of a difference did it make in your life when you were met with judgement first, compared to times when someone tried to approach you with curiosity and a desire to better understand your perspective? Are there certain people you encounter on a regular basis that you realize you are approaching them from your perspective with more judgement than curiosity, and what would it look like for you to adjust your perspective so you tried to better understand life from their view?  When someone chooses a different door than you, maybe you could respond with a simple "Why did you pick that one?" or maybe, "Tell me more about what drew you to that choice?"

Here's to adjusting our perspective toward greater kindness this week (even if it's just a little bit)!

Be Well,

Stephen

Center was created to support individuals and teams so they can live from their Purposeful Center.  We specialize in professional coaching and leadership development and we’d love to support you!  Click on our Services page to book a free consultation.

Feeling Heard

I've had the honor of participating in a number of powerful conversations recently that have gotten me thinking more about the importance of listening. I must also admit to myself I have been involved in some other conversations that have me thinking about NOT listening well.  In my reflections it has occurred to me that often I am gauging whether or not I've listened to a person by how well I think I understood them. In other words, I think I've been a good listener because I think I listened well! I am my own judge of my perceptions, rather than considering it from the other person's point of view.  Regardless of how well I think I listened, did they actually feel like I heard them?!

Allow me to share some examples.  I had a phone conversation over the weekend where I was helping someone navigate a technical issue. We accomplished the task at hand, but if you were to ask them if they felt like I heard them, I'm pretty sure they would say we got the task done but they didn't really feel like I was listening very closely or like I really heard them.  And they would probably be right because I was pretty distracted by other things when we were talking. In contrast, I had a chat with someone last week who said after we were done, "It is so nice to talk with you because you always listen and make me feel like I matter."  In the first conversation, I technically heard what the person said, and we got the task accomplished, but they never really felt heard. In the second conversation, I don't even remember the full details of what we discussed, but the person clearly felt heard by me.

This idea of the other person feeling heard is what I have really been wondering about this week.  What would it mean for me to make feeling heard a priority for my conversations and interactions with people? How can I focus my attention so that helping them feel heard is my goal? Are there things I might be able to do physically that can help me focus on them better (eliminate distractions, shift my body posture, reflect back what I think I am hearing, etc.)?  If I examine my own priorities for our interaction, is it possible for my desires to become a secondary concern (not eliminated), so I can help them feel heard first?

As you reflect on some of your conversations and interactions over the past week, when was a time you felt heard and what helped contribute to that feeling? How could you learn from those observations in a way that let you incorporate some of those ideas into your engagement with others? Who is someone you know you will interact with this week that sometimes feels like a challenge? What could you do to make them feeling heard a goal for that interaction, and how do you think it might impact the outcome? Are there physical steps you could take to help yourself with this focus?

Here's to listening so we help others Feel Heard this week!

Be Well,

Stephen

Center was created to support individuals and teams so they can live from their Purposeful Center.  We specialize in professional coaching and leadership development and we’d love to support you!  Click on our Services page to book a free consultation.